Last post of the year....

I remember the excitement of being allowed to stay up until the new year when I was a lot younger... well it is nearly 2009 & I'm excited (and my 7 year old nearly managed it).

I leave you with this from the amazing http://nakedpastor.com/. If you have not read it, you should.

Happy new year/ blwyddyn newydd dda!

...I'm not dead yet...

Being of a certain age...you may remember the title from Monty Python somewhere or another (I have just had to explain to my 7 year old as to who they were)..











Here are 2 boring Woolies pictures.






I went yesterday when I was in Oldham (Oldham is that kind of place)- it was like raking over the belongings of a dying, loved friend.

Did I really need to spend £5.98 on a DVD of 'There will be blood' or Neil Diamond 'Twelve songs' ( Rick Rubin is the producer- that is my excuse & I'm sticking to it)? No----but they were cheap. Here is a thought- the demise of Woolies has been mourned and lamented, but give us a chance and we are ripping the fittings off the walls to try and get a bargain. I am no better- I picked up a copy of 'Seasick Steve- I was born with nothing and I still have most of it left'- the assistant said it was only £5.98. I said 'No thank you'....thinking that I could get it cheaper from Amazon....

Such is the loyalty of the British (or this British) consumer.

What is there left to believe in, now that we know that shopping won't sustain? Hmmm....still have a feeling we are like junkies and if more retail fixes are offered, we will take them. We can't, with the help of others, or Another, go cold turkey and try something different.

I'm back...2 (late night) thoughts....

Back from the frozen north to the even more frozen north...



(1) I could watch a junky movie over and over and over again. Negligible character development, wooden dialogue, gratutious bloodshed and ahigh bodycount and I'm 'in the zone' (I haven't got a clue what that phrase means but it is used a lot).

Late at night, knackered, something like Jurassic Park 'ticks all the boxes' (I'm being paid per cliche). To my befuddled and resting mind, most of the Freeview channels are repeating various Jurassic Parks ad nauseum at the moment. One of the beauties of this series of movies is that you cannot tell which is which...it is pure mindless entertainment.

Watching one a day or 2 back hit me---it suddenly got serious. The Jeff Goldblum character said something like:-

'You have been too busy working out that you could, without thinking whether you should'.

And just before we returned to the wooden dialogue, blood etc, I'm thinking 'Wow..... and therein lies my weakness and the whole of my western culture's weakness.... and right in the middle of a pulpy film.'

(2) Passing an ergonomically designed M&S lorry on the way down to Manchester. On the side of the lorry was some helpful blurb about the design of the lorry and M&S's green credentials (I find it incredibly helpful seeing lots of interesting writing on the side of a lorry. Particularly when you are passing it at speeds of between 69.5 and 70.5 mph (and if you'll believe that...) in tricky road conditions and you are programmed to read anything....).

Is it just me..... or would the biggest contribution to the environment be to stop making lorries full stop... and to stop making so much stuff to sell to people whose houses are so full of stuff in the first place (ie people just like me.....)?

...oh no it's not...oh yes it is...

It shouldn’t work- bad jokes, iffy acting (in fact brilliant acting does not work), dancing, the leading man is a woman and the comedy woman is a man. It shouldn’t work but it does. Welcome to the world of panto…..



It is one of the best things about being British (alongside rain, rain, rain, talking about what the weather will do next (rain) and oh…rain). It has to be northern to be best as well. So, last night; that is where I was- in Middlesbrough watching panto- and it was glorious. Probably a lot better than the panto taking place at the Riverside ( they lost 1-0; they teeter just above the relegation zone and have the easy task of Man Utd at Old Trafford…oh dear)…



Sat there, amidst the laughs, I got thinking about the parallels of that other Great British institution- the church.



Cynically (never a good idea---- I keep thinking Psalm 1--- 'sitting in the seat of scoffers'--- it is great to scoff, very satisfying, but it becomes an addiction that eventually destroys...); arcane ritual accesible only to an in crowd (in this case the British), funny costumes, jargon ('oh no it isn't..... oh yes it is...... he's behind you) and things, for some reason that just have to be done for it to be 'proper'...although no-one quite knows why...



Hopefully- a disparate group of people having fun, making sense of the world, celebrating, laughing and interacting with each other (ok- we are all facing the front, but I know of no other theatre experience where you talk to the person next to you), all ages engaged and enjoying it....

Ok- that breaks down in lots of ways and maybe I should just watch stuff and not think- wish I could. I do love a good panto, but it has to be at Christmas.... My next big experience is next Saturday in the FA cup- Middlesbrough v Barrow. I suspect it will not be like watching Brazil... and it may be like panto, but without many laughs...

Ok- the fellow on the right was in it....bringing all the acting skills of an ex joiner who won a reality TV show (the first Big Brother)- actually he was quite good. I am just jealous- I'd love to be on stage as a performer...telling jokes, riffing...getting a reaction. Hmmm...I think I do that most Sundays...

After a world beating series of successive blogs I am taking a few days off....Manchester...my in laws... a few days of watching TV...being fed and half-arsed parenting (think 'The Royle Family') whilst I am spoilt rotten. Chance now to quote one of my many favourite Smith's lyrics:-

'Manchester, Manchester: such a lot to answer for'.

..which I think says it all...

Happy Christmas part 17

It has been done elsewhere on the blogosphere, but check this out:- http://red.msn.com/.

Click on U2 (where else!) and see how a familiar song is recast: 'but I believe in the Israelite..' It is a frequent U2 thing- reworking something (often their own songs) to twist the meaning. Lots to think about here in (subtle) evangelism.

Have to go- house full of presents, chocolate and unwashed kids...

...only the saddest people...

...blog on Christmas Day....

...but the even sadder actually read them........

Happy Christmas!

I'm still excited part 2

Random things that have made me excited since yesterday:-

(1) My Q magazine arrived this morning..... 'they' are on the front page (see yesterday) and there is an 'in depth' interview (well as in depth as a magazine that has taken the corporate dollar can be.....now there is Gen X irony for you- I'm ironic, detached, but I still read the thing)...

(2) Fractious wife and children yesterday, so I moved stuff around and went to see 'Madagascar 2' with Matthew and Benjamin- not as good as the original, but plenty of wry laughs. Watching films, eating junk food and it is called 'child minding'. That for me is a result every time (my summer version of this is walking across the fields at the back of our house with Matthew and Benjamin, watching cricket, filling them full of lemonade and crisps and me drinking beer). We also repeatedly played 'Hallelujah': the Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen versions. The voting from a 7 year old and a 4 year old was for the 'old man's version'....

(3) This:-

http://www.churchads.org.uk/downloads/media/nativity_animation.wmv
(see image at the top- I couldn't get it to embed)

It has been seen in loads of places on the web and I'm just repeating myself- but I like it. I have a soft spot for what this organisation do and a friend of a friend produces this clip. Note: Justin Hawkins (ex Darkness) as the singer.

I won my only preaching bet ever through the Darkness. A few years ago at Ben's dedication, I told a friend who rarely came to church that I was going to preach about 'I believe in a thing called love; just listen to the rhythm of my heart'. He could not believe that I would (why do people persist in thinking that church is alien and unrelated to culture...and why do large parts of the church persist in living up to that belief?) and bet me £5. I forgot this until after the service, when he came up to me, laughed and produced £5. Wonder what I could get if I tried a similar thing on Babyshambles' 'F*** Forever'? Maybe not.... If you google, check out Justin Hawkins new band 'Hot Legs' and their new download 'I've found Jesus'...

(4) Check out this thoughtful upload.....

http://www.backyardmissionary.com/2008/12/what-happens-when-you-give-an-atheist-a-bible.html

(5)My favourite hymn line of this season- rendered here in all it's 18th century glory:-

'Our God contracted to a span, incomprehensibly made man'

Nadolig Llawen i bawb......

I am excited...

Just occasionally the carapace of Gen X cool and ironic detachment slips............

OK- I know their flaws, I know they use bombast and clunking poetry sometimes, I know that Bono can sometimes make Mother Teresa, Gandhi and Martin Luther Ling look like uncaring godless no hopers, I know that £50 is far too much to pay for a concert ticket and I know that there is something faintly creepy about 49 and 50 year olds leaping about on stage and still using nicknames that they have had since age 15....... but but........ A NEW ALBUM IS FORTHCOMING!!!!

From U2.com:-

No Line On The Horizon, the new studio album from U2, will be released on Monday 2nd March 2009.Written and recorded in various locations, No Line On The Horizon is the group’s 12th studio album and is their first release since the 9 million selling album How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, released in late 2004. Sessions for No Line On The Horizon began last year in Fez, Morocco, continued in the band’s own studio in Dublin, before moving to New York’s Platinum Sound Recording Studios, and finally being completed at Olympic Studios in London.The album calls on the production talents of long-time collaborators Brian Eno and Danny Lanois, with additional production by Steve Lillywhite.

My MA thesis was on U2 and theology (well it was a bit more complex than that). So it is my theological and spiritual duty to shout it from the rooftops (which on a pitched roof in sub zero North Yorkshire with Siberian winds takes a lot of doing).

So:-

Cancel everything. This is conclusive proof that there is a God. Sorry Dawkins- you have got it wrong. Bow with me and worship at the shrine of U2.

I'm just going to take my medication....

I have not sent any Christmas cards

Behold the display of twee looking cards. I have not sent any. I am not trying to be 'alternative' or 'edgy' (and what are those labels anyway- most times I see them used, they are used as labels to sell products or 'experiences' (yeuch......I'm with John Lennon on this one- you can't buy experiences; '...life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'), just a freak combination of domestic circumstances that will lead to:-

-more money (perhaps an end to sheer panic when the next bill comes to the house- maybe I'll be able to up my clothing budget from £25 (my total spending for the last 4 years!))

-a nicer kitchen

-complete breakdown (perhaps!).

So- I'm thinking of sending an e-mail round to my Christmas list. Not very personal, but I really want to keep in touch.

I'm thinking of including one of 'madpriest's' (see links) recent thoughts:-

'It is what most people haven't achieved in their lives that makes them better people than those who boast most about their achievements'.

I've blogged on this before- if you send Christmas letters- stop boasting!!! Tell me how it is- life with its mixture of light and shade, triumph and despair, hopes and fears... please don't send me letters that make the early parts of the Acts of the Apostles sound like a bit of a failure...

Right...I'm back to praying and I'm stopping ranting....

Ouch!

I got this picture from 'naked pastor' (see links) I may have used it before- it is one of my favourites.

Christmas preaching- it is easy to get twee- bless everything that happens, give people a feel good time. I'm not against this (I've been bored listening to stuff in church often enough!), but...

but.... but......

I read this- it is making me think. A lot. (HT:-http://tallskinnykiwi.typepad.com/) There is a posting from http://www.parablesofaprodigalworld.com/2008/12/top-10-emergentmissionalpost.html giving his top ten of 2008- this one is from 'internet monk' (who is always food for thought). It is very American, but most of it translates. It makes me go 'ouch':-

'Suburban Christianity is frequently not about an honest following of Jesus. It’s about an edited, reworked Jesus who blesses the American way of life and our definition of normal and happy.

It’s Jesus the sponsor of our beautiful church. It’s Jesus the bus driver of the ticket to heaven. It’s Jesus the guy who wants us to be nice to children. It’s Jesus who presides over all kinds of niceness.

Hey….I can get that from Tony Robbins or Oprah. I don’t need to dilute the demanding, revolutionary promises of Jesus into the suburban American Dream. I can get that life from someone who makes no more demands on me than buying a book.

Churches in suburbia can do so much good for the Kingdom, but when I have to come face to face with a version of Christianity that puts Christ in his place and baptizes all the values of the empire, it makes me angry. It discourages me about what all those nice people are thinking in those beautiful buildings. I know a lot of them send a lot of money to ministries like ours, but if we don’t really believe Jesus is the one for whom we sell it all to buy the pearl of great price, what’s the point?

I also know my own answer. Learn to know the virtues of relative poverty. Learn to see poverty as Jesus and the saints saw it. Keep real poor people in view. Keep real poor churches in mind. Don’t listen to the broadcasted, published propaganda of the suburban Jesus. Read the sermon on the mount. Remember that Jesus is a true revolutionary, and those who want Jesus but reject the revolution always have a nice slide show and plenty of facts and figures.

Remember that to those who are ignoring the game, or eating in the parking lot, or dozing in the sky boxes, the game on the field is just a game. To the players on the field, it’s blood, desperation, hope and perseverance.

So if you’re within earshot of the suburban Jesus and his invitation to have your cake and eat it to, walk away. Walk away with humility, but be decisive and walk away.

Jesus never gave his disciples a lesson on how to explain it all to their families, friends and communities. He just told them that the reaction wouldn’t be positive. And he was right. His own family came to take him home when things got tough (

Mark 3) and they tried to kill him in his own home town.

Christian had to leave the City of Destruction with his fingers in his ears, you know'.

another Christmas thought...

I see people at church related stuff at Christmas for the only time I ever see them during the year. This is not an unusual experience for any minister/vicar/ pastor/senior pastor/priest/curate/Pope/archdeacon/ bishop/archbishop/rector/Chair/rural Dean/area Dean/ James Dean/Dean Windass (? only comprehensible to English readers)/priest-in charge/canon..... (don't you just love the simplicity of the church?).

An extract from the episode 'Lisa the vegetarian' of the wise and theological 'The Simpsons':-

Lisa: 'I still stand by my beliefs, but I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.'

Homer: I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid'.

True.... or wishing, longing, hoping that there might be still be something there?

Decay

Decay- there is no escaping it- we all do. I am 42 and 'aging gracefully', but I am also decaying. I (almost) have a new kitchen (the last one was put in by someone with the kitchen installation skils of a blind florist who loves Heath Robinson)- putting stuff in it last night, stuff that looked ok when it was in the old kitchen just highlights how a lot of our stuff is plain shabby, and yes, decaying.



Sideways thought- why is shabbiness in a minister's possesions/home considered a virtue/sign of holiness by some; 'we have got to cut corners- there is really not a lot of money to go round', while often the same people would regard it as not acceptable in their own homes? Just an (un) innocent remark....



To quote those noted divines The Proclaimers: 'The life that I've been living since the day I first drew breath, has been my way of forgetting I'm on the journey to my death'. Decay can be beautiful- see these pictures- we also talk about someone being 'distinguished' (hmmm...why are men aging 'distinguished' and women just 'getting old'?), but it is still decay. Funny how adverts/marketing hit us with 'new, new' all the time- maybe it is because we prefer to avoid decay and we can run around through life like a 4 year old at a party, cramming junk food down our necks (I've been to a lot of parties for 4 year olds. Actually, when I go, I'm trying to stuff loads of junk food down my neck- it tastes so good!).


I am not being maudlin- not in Leonard Cohen mood just yet (and on that subject- Hallelujah- X factor- it is all so wrong. Here is a classic song that connects, asks questions- faces up to life. It is like someone has grabbed it, put it in box fresh trainers, given it the Daily Mail, cut it's hair and force fed it Big Macs and fries. Stop it. Now)- although I did a funeral today. The person had a very very long life. But at the end...decay.

Perhaps part of what I do is to try and point out the beauty in decay and to draw attention to where God might be (see Gifford post earlier this week), albeit imperfectly. Another part of what I do is to face up to and name death when others struggle to do it. Maybe (on good days) to others and myself I manage to say- 'Hey guys- listen to what the Proclaimers say'. I think that is tangentially a little of what Rowan Williams was saying yesterday on R4 about the slump.

I actually like funerals- it feels a real privilege. And now, in one of those dramatic switches that local radio continuity announcers can pull off- my day suddenly switches to 2 school christingles. I love this job!

(These photos are from an excellent stream at http://www.flickr.com/photos/deano/sets/72157601310098830/)

Your free 2nd post of the day- Happy Christmas!

Without doubt the finest* Christmas CD ever is Sufjan Stevens' 5 CD work, imaginitively titled 'Christmas'.

You can hear the whole thing streamed at http://xmas.asthmatickitty.com/(click on musical notes at top of page) and it even includes two free downloads costing nothing.

(* results of a survey carried out of all Methodist Ministers aged 42 within Hutton Rudby, North Yorkshire on 18/12/08)

I am feeling jocund....

I went to a carol service last night in the Parish Church. At this time of year it is all work, work, work; I did one reading, then was forced to stand around talking for an hour, drinking wine and eating food. It is a hard life. It took me a few years to tumble it, but Anglicans do better socialising- booze in church- fantastic!

It was a traditional 9 lessons and carols- this is where ecumenism works- I couldn't have done this without it sounding contrived- they did and the place was heaving.


For the first carol we went all medieval ( I think- my knowledge of hymnody and hymbigears.....think about it...oh you just did-now that was lame) and sang the lines:-

'While our happy voices rend,

The jocund air asunder'.

Aren't those words both incomprehensible and wonderful? Doesn't that make you glad to be British? I did not have a clue what I was singing. Apparently 'jocund' is an adjective (I am only dimly aware of what an adjective is- I was educated in the 70s and 80s and despite 3 degrees still can't 'do' grammar). It means; 'of a humourous temperament or merry'.

I am going to try and use that word today- 'jocund'; 'I am not feeling particularly jocund about the fact our kitchen has not been finished.' 'I am feeling jocund today' or even 'This is the day that the Lord has made; let us be jocund!'

Go on- you try and use it today. You know you want to....




This cartoon is from the 'naked pastor' (see links below- I know this page is all over the place- I've been trying to move the links to the side, but I have, as yet, not managed it)- he is always thoughtful. Last night they read exclusively from the 'King James' and in so doing, in context, stepping out of this cartoon.

They don't normally use this version, but the type of people who look for this service ; they come to the Anglican church regularly- once a year and never miss- look for this. That is one thing about being 'missional' I guess- what is God doing 'out there' ( although 'out there' is not a biblical term methinks...) & how can we join in? So, whilst keeping in harmony with what they do, they changed subtly to the 'felt needs' of those coming.

So there we go--- a bombshell. I said 'yes' to the KJV and what is more, I feel jocund about it...

Cheese alert

'Tis the season of Christmas letters, viz: 'little Jocasta sails through life, having started an MA in difficult sums, horse riding on 8 nights of the week, being proficient in 5 languages and she is only 6. Aren't we yummy?'

Stop. Right now. Or I will shoot you. Or at the very least smile glassily at you and say 'I really enjoyed that letter'.

I've blogged on this before- but you don't put pictures of your over acheiving kids on a blog. It is cheesy.

However, my 7 year old son bought this home today. It is a self portrait and I think it is brilliant. He thinks it is 'just good'.

Ahhhh. Bless. But still cheese. Good cheese though....

Advent again

This is another lovely image from http://davesdistrictblog.blogspot.com/. I passed over it at first but it has come back to haunt me. Do I do this during advent? I'm not sure that I do- you will have seen my previous posts on being a 'homeletical battery hen'. I'm so busy telling others to be aware that I'm not aware or trying to be aware myself.

Yesterday, in a reception class and today in a prayer breakfast (there is usually a lot of breakfast! Hey, but isn't that a great illustration that something used 'for children' actually speaks to us all and helps us all get inside a story?) I used a child's nativity set to tell the story and to get people to react so that we all became 'interpreters of the Word'. It just struck me in retelling the story, how often God came to the marginal, the unexpected and not those in 'the centre'. Maybe the word 'godforsaken' should be taken out of every Christian's dictionary. Taking the story seriously, nothing can ever be 'godforsaken'.

I've just reread what I wrote- maybe I just did 'Stop Look Listen be aware of God'.....

And now an artist....

One of the great things about what I do is that it cannot be defined to the nth degree.







This means that sometimes days happen like yesterday....







When I came here, I was told that someone linked with the church , but who had moved away was an internationally known artist; Andrew Gifford (google him on images. Do it. Right now).



At that time the local primary school did not know/had forgotten that link. As I make my living talking, I spoke to the arts specialist at the school, gave her a couple of books and the rest you see on pictures here.






A fully entranced year 6 were still asking for more after 2h30! They even spent 15 minutes watching him mix paints!





It was fantastic- like that feeling you get at a good rock concert where things just 'are' and just connect. I could have watched for hours more.






What I do is reflect- I look at the ordinary and try and see where God is. It is a parable of Christmas, I guess; something earth shaping happening in obscurity where people might not notice. I don't always do that very well.



So what did I learn from Andrew's excellent sermon? Just some thoughts:-





(1) Passion. It was like that Martyn Joseph day I went to a few months back (look back in September on this blog if you are so minded...)- when I came back, I believed I could one day write songs (I am not there yet, but into Reception class later today to play 2 carols). Andrew's passion shone through. Does all that bollocks (sorry there is no other word...forgive me) about the 'correct liturgical order' or as one article in the Methodist Recorder recently said about an act of worship 'It was a dignified and reverent occasion' actually mean anything unless there is passion behind it? I'm remembering Eugene Peterson (translator of 'The Message. Go google) who said after a crisis- I am called to ministry because of God and passion. Hmmm....so the six figure paycheck, the stream of luxury cars, the models throwing themselves at you not come into it? Damn- looks like I need to reorder my priorities.


(2) The detail. On the back of 'The Genesee Diary' (Doubleday, 1989 in the version I have so far borrowed from a friend for 12 years...), Henri Nouwen says 'Just as a whole world of beauty can be discovered in one flower, so the great grace of God can be tasted in one small moment.' I aspire after this; Andrew lives this. Hearing him talk, most of us who listened will never look at a branch, a shadow, a tower block, or a piece of litter in the same way again.





(3) Grace makes beauty out of ugly things (from U2. Of course. Just how long did you think it would take me to quote them?). Ok- this view is of beautiful Hutton Rudby- it is not exactly Southbank or downtown Beirut. It is pretty nondescript, average. I guess it is where the poor of Hutton Rudby live (apart from my house); those who can barely keep two Lexus's on the road and are struggling to pay the swimming pool heating on their French gite (I attempted a joke there. Humour is not acceptable in the ordained; I will go back to being mindnumbingly boring...).




Perhaps I should have said it was ordinary. But as Andrew spoke to us; we became aware of beauty in stuff we pass by on the way to something more interesting. I remember him saying something like 'If you want to paint Hutton Rudby; don't paint the Green. Look for something no one else notices'. Wonder if I have the grace to do that in everyday life? And with everyday people?
.

(4) Knowledge can be accessible and live. This guy knew a lot and loved a lot. It was obvious. But he spoke in a way that you were not put off- you were invited in- not bullied and not overawed. I will never look at a picture in the same way again. I will want to go close- to look at how the artist has built up piant layers, to see the work and the passion. I'll want to stand back. I will want to spend time (brings to mind again Nouwen and Rembrandt's Return of the Prodigal Son - how he describes spending the best part of a day, looking at a picture, living with it).

So why does the word 'theology' just sound so boring? Surely it is art, story, passionate, something living, breathing and beautiful. Er....actually it is not. Maybe I was fortunate (and arrogant) to enter theological college at age 30- I'd seen life. Some of the stuff that was put my way was plain boring, life draining; like someone has taken a butterfly, preserved it and mounted it on a board. Sure it looks ok, but you should be out there, chasing it, watching the light on its wings; not sat in some boring room arguing over its colour....

I'm going to stop there; I have just drowned something beautiful in a sea of words.

Andrew lives in Brighton- here is a Christian arty community/collective doing something imaginative with Advent and beach huts (although not to Andrew's level)...http://beyondchurch.blogspot.com/

Try and write something original about Monday...

.....I can't. It's not possible. It's been done. There are no original thoughts about Monday. Ever. Besides- why are you looking here? There are no original thoughts on the blogosphere. Wait....there was one on 25th January 2003 at 11.03am. No. Just joking.

The above is one of my favourite cartoons from the incomparable http://asbojesus.wordpress.com/. For me, on Monday morning, instead of the tinsel and the baubles, it would be blogs, commentaries and books on all age worship. See my post of a day or so ago- I'm frantically trying to lay sermon eggs.....














This is from the equally incomparable http://nakedpastor.com/. 'Get away Jesus, can't you see I'm trying to write a service for Christmas involving a selection box, 3 live llamas, a choir of children, 7 surplus army jeeps and 3000 christmas crackers'.

To all other homeletical battery hens out there: this Monday morning I salute you!

Get your chunky sweaters on; it's poetry time....

Poetry.

Doesn't that word just fill you with dread? I'm going to have to listen to someone intoning humourlessly about something that makes no sense. Plus, they are going to talk in a funny voice not like their real voice. Plus, they are going to become over earnest.

Ok- I am a Philistine (yes, I am 3000 years old, attack Israel frequently, raping their women and dashing their babies against rocks. But it's ok..... I am undergoing counselling). When I was 14, in the top set for English Literature, I did say to the teacher about some poem or other (you can see it had a deep impression on me) 'This is not a poem as it does not rhyme.' Now, at 42, having heard stuff that does rhyme (ie Coldplay) I have learned that rhyming does not neccesarily guarantee quality:-

'Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones'

is hardly Shakespeare (ok, I am jealous).

With all this cornucopia of caveats, here is a poem I do like.

Simon Armitage is tops (and not just because he used to work with someone I knew as a part-time probation officer in Oldham) - 'Killing Time' is excellent.

Check out:-

'Scarborough beach on Friday, sandwriting

says Jesus is Lord.

Letters come and go. On Sunday he's lard, lurid, blurred.

By Tuesday he's bored'.

And this, by way of a lengthy introduction is my Christmas bit:-

Meanwhile, the lights on Oxford Street this year

ask us to stop and think

not of Christ in his crib or reindeers hauling a sleigh

but a chemically-inferred orange drink

and the nation's best known brand of frozen peas,

frozen straight from the pod.

And couples walk its golden mile, brides and grooms on the aisle

of the church where money is God.

Back where,back when, Christ was a painted clothes-peg

in an After Eight box;

Mary the Tiny Tears doll and Joseph the Action Man

knelt with the sheep and the ox

in the shape of a fun-fur teddy and porcelain dog

from the mantelpiece, and all

were lit by a single flame from a nite-lite candle

floating in a glass bowl

within the manger of an upturned packing case with a window hole.

And it had the right feel,

even if one version of Christmas compared to another is no more or less real.'

I challenge you to buy the book or to use it at sometime.

Right- enough earnestness for one night, chunky sweater off. That's better. Back to being irreverent (and irrelevant) and time to clean the kitchen. Man, that's living............

Please do not read this post!

I am dog tired...frazzled and short.....already had to apologize to 2 people today for yelling at them (outside my own family, which is a novel thing....being a minister, I often appear as 'Mr nice guy' which is a bad impression to give). The only thing I want to say today is the old prayer:-

'Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner'

...over and over again. No original thoughts today, so here is someone else's

My former boss's son blogs at http://jonnyopinion.wordpress.com/. I looked at his blog and thought 'Why do I bother?' I could never reach his standard- see this post from yesterday.....

Do not, under any circumstances, read this post. Stop it. Stop it at once. Stop reading! Please, it’s for your own good. Stop. STOP! No good can possibly come from you reading on. Make sure this sentence is the last sentence you read. Or, if you really can’t resist the urge to know what comes next, make it this one. But definitely don’t read this one; in fact, stop before you even reach the end - say, at the next piece of punctuation, three-syllable word, or use of the word “the”. I’m warning you. This paragraph will end in a few sentences’ time. Make sure you read no further. Please. Promise me you won’t. You’ll regret it.

You’re probably thinking that you’ve made it this far, though, and nothing bad has happened, so you might as well read all the way to the end. If so, you’re making a big mistake. I definitely don’t advise reading any further than the very sentence you’re reading right now. You’ll wish you hadn’t. You might lose sleep over it, causing you to be very tired at work tomorrow, make a stupid error that costs your organisation dearly, and get the sack. You don’t want that to happen, I’m sure. Is it really worth satisfying your curiosity at the expense of your career? That’s not even the worst thing that could happen, you know. I’d explain but then I’d be giving you a reason to read on, and that’s the last thing I want to do. Really, it is. There’s no reason to read on, so just stop what you’re doing, turn off your computer and go outside, or something. Anything. Just do not read this post. Here comes the end of the second paragraph. The third paragraph absolutely must not be read by anybody, so stop reading…now.

Stop reading. Stop reading! Stop it! It’s just not worth it; believe me, I know. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to finish reading this post - after all, I wrote it. Then when I’d finished writing it, I proof-read it, and I wish to God I hadn’t. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Please. Stop reading this post. It’s a very bad idea even to begin reading it but if you’ve got this far (and I can’t for the life of me think why, you’re had ample warning) the only thing I can suggest - in fact, insist, is that you stop reading immediately. Please, please, please stop reading. PLEASE. I’m begging you: make the word “read” at the end of this sentence the last word of this post you read. For the love of God, stop! STOP IT NOW! Stop reading this post. It’s not even very interesting. It only took me about ten minutes to write but they were the most painful, agonising ten minutes of my life. Just imagine what it would be like to read this post from beginning to end. It really doesn’t bear thinking about does it? So don’t be like me. DO NOT READ THIS POST. Rise above your baser instincts and just stop reading. 3…2…1…STOP READING!

Daily Mash

Don't know if you have ever discovered this site http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/. It is twisted, politically incorrect, over the top, offensive and very funny. NB: I am not endorsing everything on there. There is language on the site that I wouldn't normally use in a sermon, such as 'Conservative', 'Sane right wing idea', 'Westlife have tremendous artistic credibility' and 'Isn't Christian Rock music good' and some even worse than that....

UK TO BOYCOTT ALL GERMAN GOODS, EXCEPT CARS, BEER, KITCHEN APPLIANCES, ADIDAS AND KINDER SURPRISE


UK consumers last night pledged to buy British, unless there was an obviously superior German alternative.

As the economic war of words between London and Berlin escalated, millions of Britons said they would be happy to boycott German goods as long as it did not involve Volkswagen, Mercedes, Audi, Becks, Lowenbrau, Knorr chicken stock cubes and those chocolate eggs with the toy inside.
Germany, meanwhile, said it would boycott British goods as soon as it could find any.

Dr Tom Logan, an economist at the German-owned University of Reading, said: "If I was a confused recession-hit country looking for advice, I'd probably go with Germany, given that they still have an actual economy based on making stuff that people want to buy.

"Meanwhile, the British 'economy' seems to be based on selling each other money so that we can buy high quality German goods."

German finance minister Peer Steinbruck said: "Let's think, what could we boycott? Cars? Oh yeah, like everyone else in the world I really wanted a Rover 200. Ah, but what about the Mini, you say? Or the 'BMW Mini', to give it its full Bavarian title."

He added: "Beer? Yeah, we drink loads of British beer, it's sooo good. So I guess that means we'll just have to boycott Tizer and Jaffa Cakes."

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "I will be boycotting a wide range of German goods and services apart from Aldi, obviously. It's so much cheaper. How do they manage it? Those Germans really do know what they're doing.

"And also those big hotdog sausages that come in a jar. Bloody love those."

A homiletical battery hen....

When at 'theological cemetary', one of my tutor's favourite sayings was that he didn't want his students to become like 'homiletical battery hens'- ie being forced to churn out sermons etc too fast or too frequently.

Great idea sir- unfortunately, this is the time of year when it gets like that. I love this time of year- great chance to see loads of people, many of whom hardly ever come within the orbit of the church. But.....I do feel like a homiletical battery hen...... just pray that I might see the wonder of it all.

(picture from http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/ihamptonsmall/gallery/the_weird_n_the_wacky/- I understand that no actual chickens or batteries were harmed during its composition....)

Chill

http://1x.com/photos/popular/day/20582/

This is going to sound like one of those bad 70s records as in 'Why can't people just love each other and not get cross, ever?' (ok I made that title up, but you get the picture).

Someone asked me last night- 'where do you go to rant?' I said 'I have a blog'. And today I'm going to rant (well a little- I have to disguise the situation).

I'm facing a situation where I feel that everyone needs to 'take a chill pill' (maybe, including me). 'That would be an ecumenical matter'- to quote Father Ted. I'm cool- I think I've got it worked out- mission- God is out there beckoning us on- we join in. But why o why o why ( x100), when you factor in 'ecumenical' does this often become- 'let us spend ages working out what we can agree/disagree on' and 'mission' become 'not mission' i.e. inward looking. Why does so often action shudder to a halt and anything 'new' seem to be considered with suspicion?

Why does so often the phrase 'ecumenical worship' fill me with a sense of numbing boredom?

I have lots of other questions like that- unreasonable rants really. I'm having a bad Thursday and to cap it all England are throwing away a promising situation in the Test Match

I'll end there , obliquely, meditate on the above scene, find my box of chill pills and work out some chords to 'Why can't people just love each other and not get cross,ever?'

Pray for me!

I long for....

I have been thinking on this image for a while. It is from the very excellent http://davesdistrictblog.blogspot.com/ (although distressingly he has added a photo of himself today with 'imaginative' headgear); in fact he is an excellent person in himself.

And I've been thinking on Psalm 42....my soul longs for you/ my soul thirsts for God. This frozen nettle has so much, but it is frozen. I pray that I notice what I am preparing this advent and unfreeze.

Something tangentally related from the also excellent http://maggidawn.typepad.com/maggidawn/blog_index.html today. See the post on 'Journey' and the comments- especially the one where the biggest temptations in ministry are to be messiah or manager. Solid gold....

Give us today our daily bread....

I do not claim to understand geo-politics, but I found this in the Times today. It is about the decline of Zimbabwe. This really hit me.

'Most hospitals have closed because their staff have gone abroad or given up working for nothing. In a country that once had a higher literacy rate than the United States, most schools are shut because the teachers have done the same. Water and electricity are treats. Public transport has all but ceased to function. Rubbish is no longer collected. The security services are practically the only part of the State that still functions, but the lower ranks are close to mutiny.

The Zimbabwean dollar has been rendered utterly worthless by an inflation rate that halves its value every 1.3 days. Last Friday, after the Government raised the daily withdrawal limit from banks, it halved every ten minutes. A loaf of bread rose from Z$1.5million to Z$20million'.

I can't really say anymore except:

' May your kingdom come,

may your will be done,

on earth,

as it is in heaven.

Amen.'

Advent hope?

Check out 'naked pastor' (see links below- I know the formatting has gone to pot on this blog- I am still learning). Always thoughtful. See this (above)- it is my favourite advent hymn, but I sometimes wonder....

I am still too (can never work out if that is 'to' or 'too') busy which is not good....

Can't find my bottom from my elbow...

This is the companion poster to yesterday. Can't remember where I got it from- I think it is originally from Los Angeles (or 'LA' apparently).

I had one of those days yesterday where I had to look in my diary to see where and if I could draw breath. One of those days that ministers like to boast about ('O I was so busy- 38 nights out on the row, 25 hour days, aren't I fantastic?') as they get their affirmation over how hard they work.

I didn't like it, though.

Happy Tuesday one and all.

Monday morning-text for the day...

I don't do mornings. If I'm doing anything early (like an assembly) I survive by the power of coffee (and the Lord of course). I hate doing anything early on Monday. I have to recover from the weekend. I need time to pray, to plan, drink coffee, read, drink coffee.....

Today is an exception- early start- gathering with colleagues for most of the day & then an evening meeting. Plus we have to look after a friend's kids and we have no kitchen (you are dying to hear the story aren't you.....no I thought not).

So here is my text for the day- got this from Barter Books, Alnwick a month or so ago. It was produced by the British Government just before WW2 in case we got invaded. It was meant to inspire the population. I now know why Hitler never invaded Britain. If I had been a manic dictator with a vast superiority of weapons, the mere threat of this poster would have scared the living daylights out of me....not.

And on the 7th Day....

Ok- it's the sixth day, but I like it having lived pres de Manchester from the mid 80s to the late 90s.

Sound words about living in the mess from Annie Lamott http://www.inwardoutward.org/?p=899

(HT: http://wesroberts.typepad.com/)

Where do people get the time?

I'm sitting here thinking....this is a picture of me on the left, sat in the garden at a temperature of -2 centigrade (the blurring isn't a badly copied image...its frost on the lens).

Where do people get the time? To blog of course. I'm just copying some stuff for 'Messy Church' tommorrow & catching up on the blogosphere & being shocked by the number of my watched blogs who have blogged today. Haven't these people got a life? What kind of saddo blogs on a Saturday at 8.30 at night just to get another consecutive entry on his vain kingdom of the ego? Answer me? What kind? Erm...I think that would be me.....

Always readable and relevant, the entry which caught my eye the most was the ever insightful
http://davidkeen.blogspot.com/ (always relevant and irreverent is, of course, is the maddest of mad clerics, Mad Priest http://revjph.blogspot.com/):-


''Soul Destroying

A story is told of a Himalayan mountaineering expedition, where the Western climbers wanted to make quick progress. For three days they walked quickly, though the sherpas seemed reluctant. On day 4 the sherpas sat down and couldn't be moved. One climber asked the sherpa translator what was happening, and he replied: "after walking so fast for 3 days, they are now waiting for their souls to catch up with their bodies."

Maybe this recession, painful though it is for impatient Westerners, is the same thing happening on a national level. We have been rushing ahead of capacity - of our personal capacity, and that of the economy and the planet. It's time to stop and let everything catch up. Maybe as we stop we'll get the time to think, reflect, and adjust''.

I have to go....house is a tip and the kitchen needs clearing. It's a pulsating life of vibrancy here....

That Friday feeling....

(HT: http://theconnexion.net/wp/)

'That Friday feeling' is where I know that anything for Sunday has to be 'finished'. I try to finish by midday/ one-ish so that I can chill & get ready for being 'off' on Saturday. There I've said it- I have 1.5 days off- o the scandal and shame of it! I started off in ministry in an area where 'we work' was almost a mantra..... I'm learning...but slowly.

'That Friday feeling' either means:-

(a) I work like crazy, get over-anxious to try and finish stuff (and what does that say about trust in God....not a lot...)

or

(b)mess about as some of the ideas I have seem to be a little outre....today is one of them. I'm toying with prayer stations, dramas (see yesterday) and playing the sublime Sufjan Stevens. Not 'cos I want to be radical but because it seems to fit.

But I'm nervous. Far easier to dash the same old thing off. I'm motivated by something Mike Riddell said about the word of God leaping 'wet and wild' at us. Can't understand worship where we talk about our devastations, wild hopes, joys and despairs in a totally one dimensional drone....

Better get working and no messing.

No blogging for a day or 2 or 3 or 4- new kitchen next week- lots to do. I may blog about 'the spiritual significance of my new kitchen' (yes really- steady on- ease that beating heart).

Also blogging (just starting) at my local paper http://ts15.gazettelive.co.uk/churches/ see 'godbotherer'

Drama: Advent 2

(This is from http://oursaviorhoneycreek.blogspot.com/2007/12/second-sunday-of-advent-john-baptist.html. I don't think it translates very well across this side of the pond.....I like it as it seems kitsch....).

This is the height of vanity, but I'm trying to make it seem like a service to you.... I get bored sometimes writing sermons. I'm slick with words and when I use them I feel good.... I know God can use anything, but sometimes people (ie me....) need shocking.

If you can use it or adapt it, or make it better then do....it would be nice to have a credit somewhere though.... I wrote it for a small congregation in a small village- once a month they have maybe 15-20 there with perhaps 6/7 between the ages of 8 & 16).

4 characters- one ( BUILDER) could have a builder’s hat on (!), the other 3 are chapel members. The builder stands on one side & the chapel members on the other side of the chapel.

Someone reads Isaiah 40:1-5

BUILDER: Gesturing at an invisible bulldozer/earth mover. Wait- left a bit, right a bit. That’s it, now start knocking…..

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: What is happening?

BUILDER: We are building a road.

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: What- here?

BUILDER: Yes- here!

CHAPEL MEMBER 3 : Right through our chapel?

BUILDER Looks around, sniffs- Yes- right through here, straight through here.

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: But I was baptized here.

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: And I fell asleep there…frequently…

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: And I was bored there….

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: And I sat there, just the other Sunday, desperate for the service to finish, so I could turn my phone back on and start texting….

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: And I….

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: looks crossly….I think we get the picture…to builder…this place is precious to us. Why through here?

BUILDER: Haven’t you read the specification?

CHAPEL MEMBER: What specification?

BUILDER: I have it here….. I was told you have read it a lot (picks up Bible, clears throat)….here we go….. ‘every valley shall be lifted up… and every mountain and hill made low….and the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain’

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: O that….

CHAPEL MEMBER 2 : I’ve heard that before

CHAPEL MEMBER 3 : Was it OK magazine or Hello….no wait a minute (smiles) it was in the Bible.

BUILDER: So you are familiar with the specification?

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: specification? Specification! Look you’ve got it all wrong…. That is not meant to be taken literally…

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: No its poetry…..

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: It’s a bit boring really…I can’t understand it

CHAPEL MEMBER 2& 3 glare at him

CHAPEL MEMBER 3 (again…..)….erm…. its nice to listen to…a bit….on Sunday….

BUILDER: Well it’s in the specification and this (points at chapel) has to come down.

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: Well can’t you bend the road a little?

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: Go round it?

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: Just knock a little bit down, maybe a tree in the garden?

BUILDER: Well the client says straight….and what the client says goes.

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: The client? Who is that.

BUILDER: coughs…..points upwards…. Him

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: He is on the roof?

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: Is it a bird, is it a plane?

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: No it’s superman!

BUILDER: No it’s God.

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: God?

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: The big cheese?

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: The head honcho?

BUILDER- that is him..

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: God…..you’ve got it wrong….. he doesn’t want us to really do anything…….

CHAPEL MEMBER 2: We have a nice house here for him, he is warm, we come to feed him every so often…I’m sure he is very happy.

CHAPEL MEMBER 3: He is not really in the demolition and straightening business. You’ve got it all wrong.

CHAPEL MEMBER 1: Lets keep him happy shall we? Lets sing Hymn 956 ‘Away in a Manger’

CHAPEL MEMBERS: all softly begin to sing…… Away in a Manger….

BUILDER: more loudly, so can be heard over the singing…… beckons bulldozer….. Right away lads…lets get this job rolling ‘Prepare the way of the Lord, make his ways straight’

CHAPEL MEMBERS----- All look up in horror, stop singing and go AAAARGGGHH!

One of the characters (or someone else) reads Mark 1:1-8. Everyone else freezes (literally if the heating is not working….)

Unspeakably poignant?

I wasn't going to blog today and held off switching on the pc. Blogging is too good for the ego. Sometimes talking when you have nothing to say. Then I came across this on aol this morning. Maybe it was because I had actually spent some time in stillness and prayer and not just talking about it.... I don't know.

A baby boy whose troubled mother laid him in the manger of a church nativity in hopes that someone would find and care for him was doing well, police in Germany said.

Augsburg police said a priest was startled to find the new-born baby in the nativity scene on the altar of the Peter and Paul Church in the village of Poettmes. He immediately called an ambulance.

Police have since found the 38-year-old mother, who said she gave the child up because she was in a "difficult personal situation," but hoped someone would quickly find the child and care for him.

The child is being cared for by the local youth services.

The priest told the Welt Online the church hoped to collect donations to help the woman care for her son. She had named him Christian.

Take some time over that story.....

This is me!

I found this quote- it is very well known. In my earlier days as a minister I would have used it and said (passive aggresively of course) 'Hey- this is all you sitting out there'.

The longer I am a Christian and a minister (those two terms are not always co-terminus), the more I think 'Hey....this is me- standing here'.

'One critic said he had gone to many churches and heard the preacher say, "Don't try to impress God with your works" or "Don't attempt to please God with your merits" or "Don't try to keep the rules and regulations and thus win your way." He looked around at nearly slumbering collections of utterly casual Christians and wondered, "Who's trying?"

Martin Marty


This links as well
(HT:http://wesroberts.typepad.com/)

If I preached what I practiced
the church would be full,
with eager listeners to the latest means
of getting away with as easy a lifestyle as possible
and still call it Christian.

If I preached what I practiced
the faith would have followers
clambering at its door, eager to sign up
to wishy-washy justice and part-time belief
if I preached what I practiced.

They would be keen for sermons about
a penny for the poor, and a pound for the pension
keen to listen to homilies that spoke
of living in the reflected glory
of someone else working for peace
They would happily believe
in a faith that changes a light bulb for the sake of creation
rather than sacrifice to shape a whole new way of living
If I preached what I practiced

If I preached what I practiced
church would be popular again
with a doctrine of excuses
and a creed of compromise
a half-way house on almost anything
and a God who is washed out
watered down
and used to support anything you want

we would never need to sign up
to a faith where we find ourselves feeding the poor
by feeding ourselves less
we would just have to proclaim it without doing anything about it
if I preached what I practiced.

we would never have to make a sacrifice for justice
for we would always find an excuse
that would allow us to buy things for the taste
paying lip-service to buying things for justice

or we would never have to go green
we could get away with lime
for we could live according to our personal means and desires
speaking passionately for the planet
living passionately for ourselves
without a thought for the legacy and footprint it leaves
if I preached what I practiced

So hear my confession
that my living is not as full of God
as the words that I utter
May it be that the words
take form
and leave footprints
of someone who finally
practices what they preach.

To cheese or not to cheese?

Is there any finer cheese in the world than stilton? No there isn't- this is my blog and I'm in charge: I make the rules....

On Sunday I was talking to a friend who edits the web site for the local paper www.gazettelive.co.uk/ts15 and telling him about my wonderful blog...... he suggested that on the local area of the site (see above) they were looking for local blogs- I could give it a dabble if I wanted to. Hmmm.... when I am talking to thousands at the next Christian Conference that will come out as 'A senior newspaper editor personally invited me to share my thoughts with an eager world'.

Anyway they have accepted me (well the only other applicant was someone who rants at the extreme left wingness of the Daily Mail and a man from Hilton who collects nail clippings). They want to give me the title 'Methodist Minister'....very cheesy...

I just sent this.....

'Methodist Minister' sounds too lame!

I am trying to think of a title where I can obscure slightly who I am and where it looks slightly intriguing/worth clicking on; I won't generally be writing stuff like 'At 2.30 on Thursday it was the ladies' macrame circle where we listened to an interesting talk on 'bunions I have had treated' and it was very soporific'. Here are some- they hint at what I am but they don't fit the whole bill:-

strangerandrefugee
godbotherer
skypilot
godsquad
You're not from round here

Its your site- your choice!

I've just heard back- I am to be 'godbotherer'. Watch the above site this week..... This means that I can now spend 99% of my time on the internet instead of 95%. Hey- but didn't say that John Wesley say the world was his parish?

I've arrived!

This is a shot of me taken in a typical pose... (well I did enjoy a pint of 'World's Greatest Liar' on Sunday lunchtime...).

The good news is that I've arrived- I have been cited on someone else's blog http://revjph.blogspot.com/..... as excellent! By the way the blog I just cited is much more excellent than mine (honest......scroll down/find the post on swearing.... as far as I know I only have two 'craps' on mine).

Mega blog stardom beckons..... at last the long years of no earthly assets at all ( apart from an unfeasibly large CD collection and a large Wisden collection....which my 7 year old has already announced that he will sell when I die...) make sense, at last the large and mounting overdraft has meaning and purpose.............at last.....

D'oh......